Forewarned Forwards

Fwd: Fw: Subject: Company Christmas Party

————— Forwarded message —————

Subject: Company Christmas Party

 

Company Memo

 

To; All employees

Date: December 1, 2010

Re: Gala Christmas Party

 

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place at noon on December 23rd in the private function room at the Grill House.  There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along.  And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus.  A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.  Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time.  No gift should exceed $10 in value to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pocket.  This gathering is only for employees.

 

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time.

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

 

 

 

Company Memo

 

From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All employees

Date:  December 2, 2010

Re: Gala Holiday Party

 

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

 

Happy now?

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

 

 

 

Company Memo

 

From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All employees

Date: December 3, 2010

Re: Holiday Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name…I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put up a sign that reads “AA only” you won’t be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

 

Somebody?

 

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange.  No gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and the executives believe $10 is a little chintzy.

 

Patty

 

 

Company Memo

 

From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Manager

To: All employees

Date: December 4, 2010

Re: Generic Holiday Party

 

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything so you can take it home in a little foil doggy bag.  Will that work?

 

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest rooms.

 

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men.  Each group will have its own table.  And yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table.

 

To the person asking for permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed for fear of confusion in the rest rooms.  Sorry.

 

We will have booster seats for short people.

 

Low-fat food will be available for those on diets.

 

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests that those with high blood pressure taste a bite before digging in.

 

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as desserts for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts.  Sorry!

 

Did I miss anything?

 

Patty

 

 

Company Memo

 

From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All You Fucking Employees

Date: December 5, 2010

Re: The Fucking Holiday Party

 

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I’ve heard them scream.  I’m hearing them scream right NOW!  You tomato killers!!!

 

The rest of you fucking idiots can kiss my ass.  I hope you all have dysentery, and a rotten holiday.  Drive drunk and die in agony you bastards!

 

The Bitch from Hell

 

 

Company Memo

 

From:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

Date: December 6, 2010

Re: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

 

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.  Meanwhile, the hospital has requested that no personnel working in our office visit Patty in her recovery room.  They cannot guarantee your safety at this time.

 

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our holiday party and give everyone the 23rd off with full pay.

 

Happy Holidays!

 

Joan

Fw: Rules For Kickin’ Ass

From: XXXXXXX
Subject: Fw: Rules For Kickin’ Ass
To:
Date: Monday, November 1, 2010, 2:55 PM

Rules for Kickin’ Ass

Rules for the Non-Military

Make sure you read #13

Dear  Civilians, ‘We know that the current state of affairs in our
great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the
military.

For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are
a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:


1.  The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat)
during the playing of the National Anthem- kick their ass.

2.  When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag
in protest - kick their ass.

3.  Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the
highest amount of  respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing
otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans
fought for the very freedom they bask in every second.
Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make
this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks
their ass.


4.  If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were.
Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling
others that you used to be ‘Special Forces’. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.


5.  Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them,
‘Do you fly a  jet?’ Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot.  Such
ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6.  If you witness someone calling the Coast Guard ‘non-military’,
inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.


7.  Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on
your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart.
Quietly thank the  military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.


9.  ’Your mama wears combat boots’ never made sense to me - stop  saying it!
If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your
ass!

10.  ’Flyboy’ (*Air Force*), ‘Jarhead’ (*Marines*), ‘Grunt’ (*Army*),
‘Squid’ (*Navy*), ‘Puddle Jumpers’(*Coast Guard*),  etc., are terms of
endearment we use describing each other.   Unless you are a service
member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them
could get your ass kicked.

11.  Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and
religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.


12.  It’s the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of
the press.

It’s the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It’s the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom
to demonstrate.

It’s  the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

AND ONE MORE:

13.  If you ever see anyone singing the national anthem in Spanish  -
KICK THEIR ASS.

ONE  LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn’t pass it on - guess what - you deserve
to get your ass kicked!


I sent this to you, Not because I didn’t want to get my ass kicked BUT
BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY, VERY SPECIAL TO ME AND I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE OFFENDED AND ARE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN AND WILL FORWARD THIS ALSO.
THANK YOU

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!  IN GOD WE TRUST  

FW: lizard to the vet

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out  LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?” 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!”

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed. 

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged. 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen…Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um … masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

” So, Ernie’s just, just … excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood. 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just … that …I’m picturing you pulling on its .… its. . teeny little . . “
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: 

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

FW: FW

  
One day a 
teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room 
on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then 
she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of 
their classmates and write it down.

It 
took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as 
the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That 
Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate 
sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that 
individual.

On 
Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class 
was smiling. ‘Really?’ she heard whispered. ‘I never knew that I meant 
anything to anyone!’ and, ‘I didn’t know others liked me so much,’ were most 
of the comments.

No 
one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they 
discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter. The 
exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with 
themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several 
years later, one of the students was killed in Viet 
Nam and his teacher attended the funeral of that 
special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin 
before. He looked so handsome, so mature..

The 
church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a 
last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the 
coffin.

As 
she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. 
‘Were you Mark’s math teacher?’ he asked. She nodded: ‘yes.’ Then he said: 
‘Mark talked about you a lot.’

After 
the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates went together to a luncheon. 
Mark’s mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his 
teacher.

‘We 
want to show you something,’ his father said, taking a wallet out of his 
pocket ‘They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might 
recognize it.’

Opening 
the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that 
had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew 
without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all 
the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him.

‘Thank 
you so much for doing that,’ Mark’s mother said. ‘As you can see, Mark 
treasured it.’

All 
of Mark’s former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather 
sheepishly and said, ‘I still have my list. It’s in the top drawer of my 
desk at home.’

Chuck’s 
wife said, ‘Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding 
album.’

‘I 
have mine too,’ Marilyn said. ‘It’s in my 
diary’

Fwd: Fw: Dear Tide!

An oldie - but goodie!!

This is just too funny!

 Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent

product you have.

I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming

a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse as well!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives

who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests

on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered

 a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause

is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

Fwd: Fw: Re: Fw: Didn’t see it coming…

—-

:

—- :

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew

very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s

widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. “Now take off my socks.”
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”



(P.S. - I didn’t see it coming,

either)

Fwd: Fw: perfect riddle

cute
.
 
—

    Riddle   You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a ‘drop off’, (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.    In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.    Behind you is a galloping zebra.    Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.    What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?   For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.  

*Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *  


         

---

        

Fwd: Truths for Mature Humans

Truths For Mature Humans

1 I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3 I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger

4 There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5 How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6 Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9 I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies…..Quit Laughing)

FW: Fw: I want this back and you will know why

Sent: Sunday, September 26, 2010 8:14 PM
To: XXXXXXXX
Subject: Fw: Fw: I want this back and you will know why

Subject: Fwd: I want this back and you will know why

 

 

 

A friend of mine opened his wife’s underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:

‘This, - he said - isn’t any ordinary package.’

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

‘She got this the first time we went to  New York  , 8 or 9 years ago She has never put it on , was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, I guess this is it.

He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died.

He turned to me and said:

‘Never save something for a special occasion.

Every day in your life is a special occasion’..

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.

I no longer keep anything.

I use crystal glasses every day…

I’ll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.

I don’t save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to.

The words ‘Someday…’ and ’ One Day…’ are fading away from my dictionary.
;
If it’s worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now….

I don’t know what my friend’s wife would have done if she knew she wouldn’t be there the next morning, this nobody can tell.

I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.
She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.

I’d like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food.

It’s these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come..

Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one…

If you got this, it’s because someone cares for you and because, probably, there’s someone you care about.

If you’re too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it ‘One of these days’ , remember that ‘One day’ is far away… or might never come…..

No matter if you’re superstitious or not, spend some time reading it.
It holds useful messages for the soul.

Don’t keep this message.

This Tantra must leave your hands within 96 hours

Send copies and watch what goes on in the next four days

You’ll have a pleasant surprise.

This is true, even if you’re not superstitious.

Now, here’s the fun of it:

Send this message to at least 5 people and your life will improve

0-4 people: your life improves slightly.


5-9 people: your life improves according to your expectations !


9-14 people: you’ll have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.


15 or more people: your life improves drastically and your dreams start to take shape..

Fwd: Fw: Why Men aren’t Allowed to Take Phone Messages

 

WHY MEN AREN’T ALLOWED TO TAKE PHONE MESSAGES 
 
 
PASS THIS ALONG TO YOUR LADY FRIENDS